Dark Night of the Soul

Recently a friend of mine returned a book I lent him called The Dark Night of the Soul by Thomas Moore. Flicking through it again I was reminded of the time when I first read it. It was a time when I was indeed in the dark night of the soul. So much grief and intense pain was coming up that I feared that my neighbours would knock on my apartment door and ask me to keep the wailing down.

Reflecting on this over the week I realised that I have been going through yet another dark night. Profoundly different from that epic one so many years ago but a dark night nonetheless. It looks different because it is a lot more internal and subtle but all the elements have been there. 

So what is A Dark Night of the Soul…?

In Thomas Moore’s book he opens with this: “At one time or another, most people go through a period of sadness, trial, loss, frustration, or failure that is so disturbing and long lasting that it can be called the dark night of the soul…”
 
Yep. That just about sums it up.

When I went through that first dark night it was very clear as to why. Massive career disappointments, giving up drinking, and huge upheaval and change happening that it warranted some all night wailing. But right now my career is going great, I live in Bondi, money is solid and health is good. So why the dark night? 

Well… There is a certain area in my life that feels like groundhog day. No matter how hard I put in the inner work and seek assistance from healers and the like I feel categorically STUCK. Also – due to the relentless pain that extends from this stuck-ness, my hope is fading. I’m questioning who I am and why I keep creating the same suffering over and over and over…  

In short, I feel a deep level of…
 

As a yoga teacher and someone who has walked this dark night before, somewhere deep inside me I know that it is an important part of the path, a time of spiritual reflection, and what lies ahead is a possible rebirth and a new way of being. However. I would also like to honour that..
THIS SUCKS!!!

(It’s just good to yell that…)

I never wanted to be the kind of teacher that didn’t own the fact that I don’t have all the answers, that I’m often deeply challenged by what gets presented to me, and I have times (like now) when my hope is incredibly shaky. I can’t say to anyone, “I do yoga and therefore my life is perfect”. If anything, it can sometimes be the opposite. I think yoga gives us the chance to be as human as possible. “Human” and “being perfect” don’t really bind. And my humanity at present is wrapped up in deep questioning, struggling, tears and the challenge of getting up and getting one foot in front of the other. 

 Every. Damn. Day

The dark night of the soul is said to be a process many spiritual seekers go through in order to drop who they think they are in order to become who they actually are. I read recently that it can be a very beautiful and sacred process. But I tell ya, right now my experience is that this process is a real mother F-er.

I was drawn to write about it today because I can no longer ignore it. For many of us, the dark night is an important rite of passage and shouldn't be made to feel “wrong” or side-stepped (I tried this, it doesn’t work). And if I’m travelling rough then it can only be a service to those who may be travelling rough too. 

What I can offer is this… 

I feel the teaching of this particular dark night is to surrender to the process. To accept the powerlessness. That I can’t fix myself (and no one else can either)… because I’m actually not broken. That no amount of love from the outside can fill the part of me that doesn't believe I’m loveable. That I’ll keep getting pushed back into this place until I embrace the healing that can only come by being in the process and feeling this fucker all the way until the end. And the only way to get to the light is by first honouring the dark. 

And lastly, that I did ask for this because I want to feel my wholeness… and I want to wake up. 

I hope simply by sharing this I can offer some comfort to anyone who is in their own dark night. To acknowledge that this life can be hard, and no one gets out of it without it being hard. It is a part of our human experience and there’s nothing wrong with you if you are going through it. And having been through one before I do know that coming out the other side is such a profound freedom as many things back then were dropped and shifted.

So is it beautiful and sacred..? Maybe. Is it really, really challenging..? Probably. But if the dark night can help us really find our sense of humour, our grace, our patience, our self acceptance and our true selves… 

Is it a gift…? 
Absolutely. 

Yours in Yoga, 
Aimee x